D-Day

We got the call today...the call I had been dreading. My HCG has dropped below 33 instead of doubling. I'm having a miscarriage. The nurse said to expect it in the next few days. I have no idea what to expect and I am not looking forward to any part of it. Except the part of being able to move past this. At least we know I can get pregnant....well, that's what I have been told. Along with tons of other non-comforting things that people are saying that the think will make me feel better. Like how its God's will or God's timing or it will happen soon.

Ahhh....when will it be my turn?

The wait never ends

It's Saturday. I had my first beta on Thursday, it was positive, like we all knew it would be after seeing my HPT on Christmas. However, this is where more waiting comes into play. Instead of feeling relieved and excited to have bloodwork to prove my pregnancy, I have worry and anxiety. When the nurse called with the "good news" she said that it was low, lower than they normally see (33) and that I would need to come back on Monday for another beta (which is completely normal to have two a few days apart). But the part that has really bothered me was the part where she said it was really low.

There are girls I know that have had low numbers in the beginning and gone on to have a baby, or even twins. But the most recent girl I can remember went on to have a miscarriage. And her number was bigger than mine!

So this is what has me worried. After all the things that we have made it through, here stands another obstacle, and a really big one in my opinion. I've had everyone tell me to not think about it, not to worry about it, there is nothing I can do now so just wait for the test on Monday, and God is in control.

So I wish someone could give me the magic pills that they take when something huge is bothering them. What's the name of the prescription, or is it over the counter, that you get when it seems like your dreams are falling apart right when they become a realization? Do you buy them in Mexico over the border or are they more of a local item?

I just think telling someone not to worry about something like this is ridiculous. It's almost inconsiderate. I personally feel like it's everyone saying that this situation isn't important enough to worry about. Tell me, how can that be the case? Who could put themselves in my shoes and honestly tell me that they aren't worried or concerned over this?

Anyhow, that is how my TTC journey has gone. As soon as I get close to crossing another hurdle, WHAM! another one pops up out of no where. It's completely unfair but it is exactly what infertility is all about. This is why women and men with infertility issues have such a hard time discussing their trials. There is never really any time that you can rejoice for an accomplishment because we all know it can be taken from you in the blink of an eye.

When IF people get pregnant they always use a term that I absolutely hate. They say they are "cautiously optimistic". I hate that...I would think they would be celebrating. I always said I would never say that and I would celebrate every day that I am pregnant. Right now, at this time, I am pregnant. I have a pregnancy test (actually 3) that say I am. But I have started to think that "cautiously optimistic" is a great way to say how I am feeling. One second I'm so excited and ready to go paint the nursery and set it all up and the next second I regret telling all of our friends and family for fear that I may have to go back and "untell" them. I'm trying not to focus on the negative, but it is a very real possibility that I think I need to realize. I can't pretend it isn't there, lingering over my head like a dark, dark cloud waiting to flood over me.

So now, this morning, I sit here and wait for the weekend to pass by so I can go get poked by yet another needle on Monday at the lab.

Merry Christmas to us!!! I tested at 8:30 am Christmas day and this is what I got after just a short time. It didn't even take the full 3 minutes to come up. I started crying and shaking and I ran in to the bedroom and woke up Justin. He had no idea what was going on until I said "we're pregnant!" It feels great to finally see a positive. I've seen so many negative tests that I would love to forget...I think this will start that memory fading real quick.

We've just about told everyone now. I'm not going to worry about the first 12 weeks being "up in the air". I don't believe God would take this away from me, I've waited too long!

Aren't they amazing?!

These are the embryos we transferred on Monday. They are both starting to hatch and they have multiple cells which indicate that they are approx 6-7 days old.

Awww, our first twin picture. Let's see, do I want this on a mug or a mouse pad? :P

FET is now complete!!!

It's Monday...and you know what that means...my FE T is (was) today! We went in at noon and by 12:45 the embryos (2 excellent quality ones) were transferred to their new home. I'm so excited and so emotional. I don't think it has sunk in yet. I keep feeling an overwhelming sense of joy and excitement and then I just start day dreaming about the next nine months.

Justin went with me today and we had a really good time. But then again, every time it's just he and I we have a good time. He was making me laugh while I was on the table waiting for the dr to come in. Which wasn't very nice of him since I had a full bladder. We got pretty serious though once we saw our embryos on the monitor above us. It was awesome to be able to have the chance to see your babies before they are even in utero.

Now we just sit back and enjoy the next several days. My BPT is Dec 27th. I can't wait to have this pregnancy confirmed.

3 Days Left

Today is Friday. I only have to wait 3 more days to be pregnant!!! I go in Monday at noon with a full bladder to receive my babies. The nurse may call me to change the time, but for now it is set for 12:00. I am eagerly waiting and very excited! I hope this weekend flies by.

I've started the PIO shots. The first night a nurse from down our street came over and did it for me. She showed Justin what to do. It was pain free and so much better than I had been anticipating...or should I say dreading??? Justin gave it to me last night and he did a great job. The needle isn't what hurts at all....if anything the only twinge of pain I get is from the oil going in. But it isn't bad enough to worry about.

I'm taking Medrol now. That's a steroid that I will take for 5 days. I honestly have no idea why I take it, but it's on the order form so I am submitting to Dr Dunn.

Justin is going with me on Monday. I told him last night that he didn't have to go. Dr Dunn and I can get me pregnant without him ;P I don't think he appreciated that very much.

I've been racking my brain on how to tell everyone I am pregnant. For the people that know I am doing the transfer on Monday I will probably just call them up or text them. I've started making a mental list of everyone I need to call. In addition to family and friends it includes my bus driver and my support group leader :)

Last Monday to not be Pregnant

This is the last week of my non-pregnant or maternal life. :) Monday is almost over...so now I have LESS than a week...yay! My medicine is still making me so sick but I have learned to keep candy canes or peppermints with me at all times. Hopefully after Monday I will start doing better.

I've lined up some fill in shot givers in case Justin is ever working late or playing basketball. I start the PIO (progesterone in oil) shots on Wednesday. That is going to be the hardest thing to hide from my family.

10 More days and counting!!!

My FET is in 10 days! I'm so excited about it. I know the days are flying by but it feels like they are dragging on and on.

My new meds are making me sick everyday. When I called the nurse today she said that I was the first person to ever say I had side effects from the Estrace. I may be the first person to say something, but I'm not the first person to feel them. A girl on the message board told her RE how sick she was feeling too and he told her that the medicine doesn't cause any side effects. How is it that two girls on the same meds have the same side effects and both of their doctors don't believe them? Come on!

Regardless, it will all be worth it in the end. I go back to the doctor in 5 days for bloodwork and an ultrasound. That will show them that I am ready for the transfer on the 17th. It would be awesome if the transfer could be earlier but since I start the PIO (progesterone in oil) injections before the transfer I have to wait to get it in my system a little longer.

So, how will I hide a HUGE needle from my family? They will wonder what it is for when they think my FET is in Feb. I gotta be creative with my stories if I want to be able to surprise them with a pregnancy this year.