It's Saturday. I had my first beta on Thursday, it was positive, like we all knew it would be after seeing my HPT on Christmas. However, this is where more waiting comes into play. Instead of feeling relieved and excited to have bloodwork to prove my pregnancy, I have worry and anxiety. When the nurse called with the "good news" she said that it was low, lower than they normally see (33) and that I would need to come back on Monday for another beta (which is completely normal to have two a few days apart). But the part that has really bothered me was the part where she said it was really low.
There are girls I know that have had low numbers in the beginning and gone on to have a baby, or even twins. But the most recent girl I can remember went on to have a miscarriage. And her number was bigger than mine!
So this is what has me worried. After all the things that we have made it through, here stands another obstacle, and a really big one in my opinion. I've had everyone tell me to not think about it, not to worry about it, there is nothing I can do now so just wait for the test on Monday, and God is in control.
So I wish someone could give me the magic pills that they take when something huge is bothering them. What's the name of the prescription, or is it over the counter, that you get when it seems like your dreams are falling apart right when they become a realization? Do you buy them in Mexico over the border or are they more of a local item?
I just think telling someone not to worry about something like this is ridiculous. It's almost inconsiderate. I personally feel like it's everyone saying that this situation isn't important enough to worry about. Tell me, how can that be the case? Who could put themselves in my shoes and honestly tell me that they aren't worried or concerned over this?
Anyhow, that is how my TTC journey has gone. As soon as I get close to crossing another hurdle, WHAM! another one pops up out of no where. It's completely unfair but it is exactly what infertility is all about. This is why women and men with infertility issues have such a hard time discussing their trials. There is never really any time that you can rejoice for an accomplishment because we all know it can be taken from you in the blink of an eye.
When IF people get pregnant they always use a term that I absolutely hate. They say they are "cautiously optimistic". I hate that...I would think they would be celebrating. I always said I would never say that and I would celebrate every day that I am pregnant. Right now, at this time, I am pregnant. I have a pregnancy test (actually 3) that say I am. But I have started to think that "cautiously optimistic" is a great way to say how I am feeling. One second I'm so excited and ready to go paint the nursery and set it all up and the next second I regret telling all of our friends and family for fear that I may have to go back and "untell" them. I'm trying not to focus on the negative, but it is a very real possibility that I think I need to realize. I can't pretend it isn't there, lingering over my head like a dark, dark cloud waiting to flood over me.
So now, this morning, I sit here and wait for the weekend to pass by so I can go get poked by yet another needle on Monday at the lab.
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