My new therapy

I started a new form of therapy last night. It's called "parenting a pet" :) Yes, we got a dog. A very cute miniature dachshund. We named him Remi (short for Remington). So far all we know about him is that he sleeps a lot and can cry really loud. His bedroom is located on the exact opposite side of the house as ours, ha.

Here is how we came about getting him. We were out running errands on Saturday and came across a parking lot with a lot of people and dog kennels with puppies. We had been talking about getting a dog so we stopped to look. He was the 3rd breed I saw and the first puppy I held. I fell in love with him immediately! But Justin made me give him back so we could finish looking and then go finish our errands. I was so sad because I knew he was supposed to be mine.

We finished our errands and went to PetSmart to look for more dogs and to look up info on different breeds. I couldn't stop thinking about the little puppy I held. I ended up thinking about him all night and losing sleep trying to name him. The next day in church he was all I could think about (Sorry, Lord). So Justin said I could have him "if I really wanted him" (he was really reluctant to give me permission, lol). So we went by the parking lot and he wasn't there :( Fortunately I had the lady's business card. So we went to another puppy place and looked around. I saw his same breed but I didn't want those, I wanted him. So I got home and looked for the card. I looked and looked and looked and then Justin looked. It was no where to be found and I knew exactly where it had been. I was devastated.

The next morning I decided to take a personal day from work. I just wanted time at home and time to think about my puppy. I looked for the card again and didn't find it. I started to do something else and I looked down to the exact spot I had been looking the whole time...and there it was. Sitting right on top of the laptop. I was so excited! I told Justin and we agreed that I would get him. So by the end of the day he was at home with us.

I took him to the vet after I got him and he got a Parvo shot. He needs two more over the course of 6 weeks, but that is normal for all puppies. He is a whooping 3 pounds! They expect him to get up to 10 pounds in adulthood.

So that's our adoption story of Remi.

Here's an update on our IVF journey:
I have no update :) If having blood drawn today is an update, then there you go. I am still waiting for AF so I can start the Estrace again and do FET#2.

Still hanging in there, one day at a time

The past few days have been especially hard. I started to feel better emotionally at the end of last week but then a HUGE depression came over me. I find it so hard to even get out of bed in the mornings (but that is probably also due to the fact that I am not a morning person). I'm done pretending to be ok for everyone else's sake. I shouldn't have to go around pretending to be fine just so everyone else can walk away feeling glad they did their duty and asked. I feel sad, depressed and faithless. Not faithless in God but just in general.

I think the hardest part is knowing that I was so close. I was there...I was pregnant. And then it was taken away from me...I lost it. I know there isn't one thing I did to cause the miscarriage and there is nothing I could have done differently to prevent it. So that leads me to being faithless....how can I try again? There is nothing that I can do or not do to make this next transfer a certainty. I hate wondering when it will happen.

I saw Daylen on Sunday. She was so sweet. She came up to me and put her hand on my stomach and said "I want to see your big belly". It caught me off guard but I knew what she was referring to. Again she said "I want to see your big belly". I asked her why and she responded with "You gonna have a baby, I want to see your belly". I felt so sad for her...sad because she would never be able to understand why I don't have a big belly, how was I supposed to tell her why there is no baby in my belly? She's so innocent...so pure. I just told her that I wasn't going to have a baby yet but when I do I will show her my big belly. Fortunately she took that as an acceptable answer. That didn't make me sad though...I don't know why, but it was the sweetest thing anyone could have said to me at that moment.

Follow Up After M/C

I thought the appointment today was just ok. I really don't have much to take away from it. Basically here is what I heard:

Good:
I got pg. So now we don't have to try to figure out why I didn't get pg, we know I can.

Bad:
I lost it.

However, all my hormones were good so he concluded that something was wrong with the embryo. He thinks one implanted by the Beta number (oh, and he said was excited to see my first number, 33). I did find out that my second beta was 3.

Now I am going to go back in 2 weeks to check my progesterone to see if I ovulated. Then if AF doesn't arrive that week he gave me Provera to start it. Then we will start over with the FET again. So if AF starts on time, my FET will be mid-Feb. I only have 2 appts before the transfer: the progesterone test and then my u/s and b/w the few days before. So I'm happy to hear I don't have to go that often.

I mentioned that I didn't bleed much and he said he didn't expect me too. Something about my lining and it being a medicated cycle, he thinks it's normal for how much I bled.

I asked him what he would do differently, if I needed to do IVF again, to prevent OHSS. I told him I am definitely scared to ever do it again and he told me what he could have done different to prevent it. Basically they didn't think it would end up like it did, but now that they know they will watch me more closely and do an antagonist cycle.

I really left there thinking "He's so nice, I really like him. But...what was the point of that appt? I knew it didn't work (well, you know what I mean) and I knew I would start the FET after AF comes." I was bummed out the rest of the day and just wanted to go to bed. Something needs to shake me out of this funk...I hate feeling like this.

Old Song, New Meaning

There is a song by Watermark that I use to always listen to. I love the song and I know what it was about and why they wrote it. But until I heard it again yesterday for the first time in years it didn't hold as much meaning to me as it does now. I can 100% relate to every bit of it.

Glory Baby by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Painful day

Friday, Jan 4 - I called in sick today. I just felt like today was not going to be a good day to be there. I was right! I woke up around 9 and got online to do a little work. Around 11 I laid back down and started to have cramps. They were bad, but I was able to fall back into a light sleep. When I woke up again at 1pm, the cramps were harder. They didn't go away for most of the day. There was a few hours where all I could do was lay on the couch and stay in the fetal position. My, I can't believe how painful it was. It was like one long, never ending cramp, but worse. It seemed to lighten up and then get really intense, but it never let up or stopped hurting. I've taken two pain pills today and all I feel is groggy. I hope tomorrow is a less painful day.

I went to Babies R Us today to buy the bedding for the nursery. To some people that may seem a bit odd, especially on the day of my miscarriage. But to me, I'm still hoping and believing for babies. I can't let one failed cycle keep me from trying and keep me from having faith. I will have my babies one day...and when that day comes I will need the bedding. I just so happen to want it now because the sale ad showed it to be half off :)

Side note: The half off was online only, so I didn't buy it today. The website isn't ringing it up at the correct price so I wasn't able to get it online either :(

Update: I bought it online! I got it half off. It's arrived and it great!

It's started to happen

This morning I woke up to the beginning of the end for my babies. I've started to miscarry. I can't believe I'm even saying that. I've had mild cramping so far. I'm still at work but I plan to leave if it gets too bad. I'm worried about how much bleeding there will be.

I know it isn't the case with all people, but I feel like when I see the ones who know, they look at me with these sad eyes. It's bad enough that people know its happening, but to feel like every where I go someone is there feeling sorry for me sucks. I was in a meeting this morning and one of the people that knows was in there. They touched my arm and gave me a look like "are you ok". Hello, there are others here! Besides people being around, any physical touch sets me off on a trip of uncontrollable tears and emotions. Someone hugging me, touching my shoulder, or even shaking my hand too long can be just the spark I need to start my own pity party. Don't get me wrong, I am entitled to grieve. I'm not saying that I shouldn't, I'm just saying that I don't want to cry at the drop of a hat. I'd like to keep my grief as private as possible.

Liane gave me a book yesterday about miscarriages, still births and the death of small babies. It really opened my eyes to the fact that when I get to heaven, my twins will be there waiting for me. As soon as I see them I will recognize them as who they are. Although they didn't have an exact human body in my womb, they will have a perfect and whole body in Heaven, just as they would have here on Earth had they of lived.

I set an appointment with Dr Dunn for Jan 14th. I'm not sure what the purpose of this meeting is though. I'm sure he will just give his condolences for the failed FET and give me some hope that the next one could work. Who knows...all I know is that his presence comforts me. He's my Jesus with skin on when it comes to getting pregnant. He's very reassuring, very caring and just an overall pleasure to know. So until then...I will try to get up enough strength to try again.