The past few days have been especially hard. I started to feel better emotionally at the end of last week but then a HUGE depression came over me. I find it so hard to even get out of bed in the mornings (but that is probably also due to the fact that I am not a morning person). I'm done pretending to be ok for everyone else's sake. I shouldn't have to go around pretending to be fine just so everyone else can walk away feeling glad they did their duty and asked. I feel sad, depressed and faithless. Not faithless in God but just in general.
I think the hardest part is knowing that I was so close. I was there...I was pregnant. And then it was taken away from me...I lost it. I know there isn't one thing I did to cause the miscarriage and there is nothing I could have done differently to prevent it. So that leads me to being faithless....how can I try again? There is nothing that I can do or not do to make this next transfer a certainty. I hate wondering when it will happen.
I saw Daylen on Sunday. She was so sweet. She came up to me and put her hand on my stomach and said "I want to see your big belly". It caught me off guard but I knew what she was referring to. Again she said "I want to see your big belly". I asked her why and she responded with "You gonna have a baby, I want to see your belly". I felt so sad for her...sad because she would never be able to understand why I don't have a big belly, how was I supposed to tell her why there is no baby in my belly? She's so innocent...so pure. I just told her that I wasn't going to have a baby yet but when I do I will show her my big belly. Fortunately she took that as an acceptable answer. That didn't make me sad though...I don't know why, but it was the sweetest thing anyone could have said to me at that moment.
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