It's started to happen

This morning I woke up to the beginning of the end for my babies. I've started to miscarry. I can't believe I'm even saying that. I've had mild cramping so far. I'm still at work but I plan to leave if it gets too bad. I'm worried about how much bleeding there will be.

I know it isn't the case with all people, but I feel like when I see the ones who know, they look at me with these sad eyes. It's bad enough that people know its happening, but to feel like every where I go someone is there feeling sorry for me sucks. I was in a meeting this morning and one of the people that knows was in there. They touched my arm and gave me a look like "are you ok". Hello, there are others here! Besides people being around, any physical touch sets me off on a trip of uncontrollable tears and emotions. Someone hugging me, touching my shoulder, or even shaking my hand too long can be just the spark I need to start my own pity party. Don't get me wrong, I am entitled to grieve. I'm not saying that I shouldn't, I'm just saying that I don't want to cry at the drop of a hat. I'd like to keep my grief as private as possible.

Liane gave me a book yesterday about miscarriages, still births and the death of small babies. It really opened my eyes to the fact that when I get to heaven, my twins will be there waiting for me. As soon as I see them I will recognize them as who they are. Although they didn't have an exact human body in my womb, they will have a perfect and whole body in Heaven, just as they would have here on Earth had they of lived.

I set an appointment with Dr Dunn for Jan 14th. I'm not sure what the purpose of this meeting is though. I'm sure he will just give his condolences for the failed FET and give me some hope that the next one could work. Who knows...all I know is that his presence comforts me. He's my Jesus with skin on when it comes to getting pregnant. He's very reassuring, very caring and just an overall pleasure to know. So until then...I will try to get up enough strength to try again.